Scars For Me & Souvenirs For You

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

well i have nothing much to say besides how its wednesday and i have the hugest urge to get out for ladies night! plus gee texted me earlier and wants me to go badly. but the sad thing is i have school at 9 tomorrow morning you see. so how like that? and i know this jo will be up for it anytime, since we're pretty much alcoholics anonymous. actually im not so bad la. that one ah..needs a good shake. well P&J were there to sugar coat the misery last night. Tessa and Scottish joined us for a bit. long long night i tell you. we got new tattoos and P and i have matching ones. hehe, but jo's is still the best.

Abs dropped a bomb this morning. :(( but i hope it works out still. please please please. i have one more day to Friday! i am freakishly freaked out i swear. Abs sis flew back on flight this afternoon and leaves on Sat so we're heading out on Friday! woot woot! Rosh lands tomorrow afternoon and i'll be waiting for her to holla. Neeeed to seee her. I just hope i meet her with good news instead of bad. *fingers crossed*

Aiite imma get started on my PR essay. F1 here i comeee.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 1:05 AM

Monday, November 24, 2008

Cramps can be such a bitch. (sorry Gee i didn't meet you this afternoon!) I stayed in bed all day today and that made my bones ache more than it already did cause i am sick as well. I had 5 sticks of reds straight before i hit the sack last night and that made my throat hurt this morning when i woke and i was coughing like there was no tomorrow. pishh. of course the flu played its part thanks to my unorganized, not-so-dust-free room. black sheets are the worse especially when you have a dog and cat who love to be on it.

Thank you for coming over with a box of 'pinks' that i have been poppin' cause the pain is immense. i exaggerate not. sighh. school tomorrow mann. and i am afraid my drugged out self isn't gon wake up. but i should with all the rest i have gotten today.

anyhoo, road trip next month? penang/kl? hmmm. should i?

♥the trick is to keep breathing 8:40 AM

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Devil Rents A Room In Our Head, you see. AND MISERY just happens to be both of our middle names, BUT not for longgg. right jo?!

THE SILLY THINGS WE DO WHEN WE ARE BORED !
I HEART YOU JO. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU LIKE AN INDIAN LOVES WHISKY. :D sounds familiar?

XX

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:42 AM

the one song that puts me to bed, soundly.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:22 AM

Saturday, November 22, 2008

T.I said i could have whatever i likeee

Today I went to church and saw a rainbow. :)) It's a sign, a good one. I'm going back from today and i am going to work on it for i have strayed for far too long. And i feel safer and better when i am nearer. Thank you, you! For accompanying me.

This week i will attempt to do the photo collage on my walls. The one that sits on the table goes right there as well. The dust in my room is piling up, i am sneezing as i type this. Gotta go clean it up now. I do not intend to fall ill, i have a rather important weekend coming up. Stoked as hell and nervous at the same time..=/

♥the trick is to keep breathing 8:20 PM

Friday, November 21, 2008

today i open my inbox to find song lyrics from someone. as random as it was, the person was so not random and neither were the lyrics.

You know I've got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like 5 minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Um, then theres the music people. Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. I dont know, somtimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since i'm not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics.

so i read the lyrics and was a tad bit lost cause i was making sense out of it. not that it was difficult to decipher cause it was pretty much in my face, straight forward. but i least expected this person to be the one sending it. however A said that there wasn't any agenda behind it and was just thinking of before. hmmm. well well, as long as there wasn't an agenda i'm fine :)

i'll be downloading the song now, Still Loving You by The Scorpions.

I have also decided that i am going to be spending all that saved moolah for a good cause next year on a nice trip, say next month or Jan. Phuket perhaps? My long awaited getaway. Full Moon Party? Looks like the saving didn't go to a waste after all! Though i'd much rather continue saving and go where i ought to have gone but going there will be like visiting the angel of mercy in the US of A. And the season of broken hearts officially ends in 2008, so hell no.

Bliss.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 2:35 AM

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Wake me up when it's spring time in heaven, when i'm strong enough to walk in that place, again.

Gossip Girls was so heart warming. I teareddd. :(( Why isn't Thanksgiving celebrated in Singapore?? There should be Thanksgiving dinners and family time with pre-christmas turkeys. It might just put me in the holiday spirit. With Christmas about a month away its about time i started feeling the hype of it all. Something tells me Christmas will be gorgeous this year even though i am pretty much in the dumps still. But i will come round, soon enough. If everyone else could do it, i can too. What don't kill a heart only makes it stronger, yes? YES!

I haven't started shopping! Presents, pretty dresses and random stuff. I don't even know what i want to wear yet. But then i saw pretty Pierre Cardin lingerie's when i went to John Little the other day with mommy. And the latest range is just tooo pretty not to buy. So must must must buy. Prior to Christmas there is Triston's birthday and we're going to shop for his present soon. Then dad's birthday the day after and i am so gearing myself up for ZOUKOUT babayeee! Woott woot! The 9th-20th better work out i tell you. The weekend better be left untouched lor. =/

OK so i have school tomorrow and its Journalism and Broadcasting. Speaking of which TVRP was quite scary today. i was pretty overwhelmed and i think there's more to be overwhelmed about in the weeks to come.

Movie marathon night tomorrow? It's been awhilee. And i have been neglecting my pool much. I neeeed to swim.

:D sweet dreams world for tonight i sleep with one less burden (but there's many more to overcome)

♥the trick is to keep breathing 8:51 AM

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

ITS BEEN A TOUGH TOUGH YEAR FOR HEARTS.

well i thought i was done being emo right after that post. i thought i had found a slightly happier place, not my happy place but a place that was a tad bit happy. but the past three nights have proved to be a great challenge. quite draining you see so i need a conclusion. thats the worse you know? not knowing where you stand, sigh. i have cried my eyes out, again. bawled like a baby, just how i ought to and there wasn't any specific reason behind it. it just made the heart lighter and the ache go away. :))

anyway, term 2 of my school has begun. and the modules are way more interesting than the previous term. Public Relations, TV and Radio Production, Journalism and Broadcasting and Advertising. Got a PR essay to get started on already and i can't wait. Only because i like the topic choices. Heh, otherwise i'd sulk and procrastinate and never get started on it. So plus plus plus. TVRP tomorrow. I have school at 9am all week for the next 2 weeks can. Thats like no late nights and waking up early. And from Jan onwards school starts at 830am. And hell yeah it makes a lot of difference lor. pishh.

alrighty i need to walk the dog, have a stick or two and have my dinner. toodles.

xx

♥the trick is to keep breathing 2:55 AM

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometime your first scars wont ever fade, away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

Now I'm alive
and my ghosts are gone
I've shed all the pain
I've been holding on
The cure for a heart
Is to move along, is to move along

What don't kill a heart
Only makes it strong

It's the end where I begin

♥the trick is to keep breathing 4:11 PM

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Imagine a future, a moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you? - OBVIOUSLY NOT ME. cause for me it was YOU all along.

i'd like to say finally. but that talk completely defeated its purpose cause you obviously think that what you did should be condoned by me. I think it shouldn't be condoned by anybody for that matter. why deny it in the first place and later admit to it if you thought it was right? Just friends? My ass. Don't they all say the same thing? Friends with the intentions of some benefits, perhaps? Wellfuckingdone. You proved everyone right. All along there was this lil hope burning inside of me and it just died, in two seconds flat. You! this is just your effin' nature. When everyone told me i was being stupid, i shut them up. I said "no, all of you are wrong about him, I have faith..and you guys should too!" Now they are having the last laugh, cause i was the fool eh?

Those tears i shed, worthless. Being lonely these four months, worthless. All that money saved just to come see you, worthless. ALL i've did these four months, worthless. Hell all i've done these 3 years weren't good enough a reason for you to be the man you ought to be. Not what i expect of you but what any women would expect of a man who CLAIMS he loves her. period.

and you are such a pro at turning tables. you say I AM a pro at leaving eh? bailing everytime you made a mistake, well i made a promise..to never leave but that doesn't mean you take advantage of the promise cause you promised never to stray, AGAIN. if you hadn't broken yours i wouldn't have to break mine. the best part yet, you still think you're right. you're still not sorry..and if i did stay with you it will only mean i am okay with what you did and for everytime you do it. doesn't that spell F.O.O.L ??? That i am clearly one??

I am angry but it will subside. and if you want to live your life, go ahead..by all means. BUT please please please do not be selfish cause i deserve a shot at happiness too and if you aren't gon be the one to make me happy you shouldn't be the one to snatch that away as well. Like i said..don't string me along for your benefit. It's not fair to me in any way!

***
I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That's the toughest part, letting go. That's the part of grace that really sucks.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 5:08 AM

Friday, November 14, 2008

meee lovee ! :))

ps: thanks for ruining my curtains jo. naddlesss i'll help you whack her, anytime. lisee we had more than 5 on your behalf, it even put nad to sleep! ;D

please schedule the next FUHC meeting, pronto. i neeed more healing. thank you.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 1:57 AM

Thursday, November 13, 2008

this has become my outlet. cannot make it liao.

anyhooo naddles and jojo muniandi are coming to me placee in a bit! :D its the Broken Hearts Anonymous meeting. I'm the new member of the fucked up ♥ club. Haa. lame i know but these are the things you do when you need to console yourself. wickedddd. lets sip on baileys, listen to coldplay (unless trance heals your souls cause it sure heals mine), star gaze and cry our hearts out. Naddles i don't think you need to right? haha. Lise three for you! (?????) wait round it up, make it five. You owe me. Hurr.

some other sleezebag has been annoying me major. you obviously do not get me half the time. you're effing nice but sometimes you misunderstand my damn intentions. wake up! open your eyes and look at the bigger picture will you? it might do you some good.

I need to go thread my eyebrows now, get some documents printed and have dinner. I can smell daddy's cooking as i type and its making my mouth water. smells like yindiann food! haven't had my daily dose in days. Eating out lately and i think it's so damn unhealthy, like i had the oiliest minced meat noodle last night and i did not even finish it but i must say it was that damn tasty. everything and anything unhealthy usually tastes goood eh?

ok i gotta runnnn. later tigers!

Xx

♥the trick is to keep breathing 2:18 AM

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

shina saw the sunshine, but then it rained;
reminding her of him, she looked in the mirror, cheeks tear stained.
she closed her eyes and slowly took it all in;
but then, thinking of it all just seemed too much a fuckin sin.

a sudden dream as she felt his lips on her neck;
she wondered as she turned if she'd become a complete wreck.
then she faced him as he smiled & wiped away her falling tear;
he brought her close as she whispered 'where've you been, you silly kessler'.

That would be surreal. Cause i had this even more bizarre dream this morning. And i kept waking up from it cause i wanted to stop dreaming it but every time i fell back into a deep slumber it'd just continue from where it last ended. I was not enjoying it, though it was a pretty one i must say. I had a dream that Elvis and I got married. This was the first time in three years i dreamed it. I have talked about it, day dreamed about it even but never felt it like this. It was too real which is why i wanted to wake up from it. The simple gown, he in an all white suit. The minimal guest list mainly consisting my closest friends and family. Suren the best man, Lorraine my maid of honor. Me walking down the isle and i see Elvis looking at me from the altar and i get that warm fuzzy feeling within. It was beautiful. Up till the point where we exchanged our vows but there was no wedding rings involved. I found that weird. It's not like the rings were misplaced..but that whole part was skipped. It just went from the vows to "you may now kiss the bride." That was when i woke up. And i was lying in bed trying to decipher my dream. What did that mean exactly?

oh and did i mention how i am not a huge fan of the married life no more. I see myself very unmarried for a longg longg time. Well i will go ponder more. I need to clean the house and get out. Got my M5 tutorial to go for. I dreadd.

I'll give Ladies Night a pass tonight. I went to the doctor and he said most of my injuries were emotional.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 12:02 AM

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Time to clean out the skeletons in my closet, oh and you just happen to be one of them.

exactly how i like it. i am thoroughly pleased. changed by blogskin, lovesssss it! didn't take up much of my time even. i think this ones gonna be here for a long time to comee.

tuesday is here, 2 days down 3 more to go and then yet another grueling Saturday morning. Followed by a much anticipated chalet/BBQ with the rest. It was meant to be at mine unfortunately the pits are under construction amongst other things. Finally they've decided to revamp this place. thank gawd for that. :)) I shall be asking mommy if she can marinate some wings for the BBQ if time permits otherwise i've to make something on my own. I foresee a highly intoxicated night before my new school term begins. can be done by me. ;)

I have reset my cell phone time. it's back to the local. out with the mountain timezone. it saves me the little heart ache every now and then when i flip my phone open only to see the time and realize a new day has come and i do not occupy a minute of your day to hear from you. Hence its a lot easier on me this way..at least till i ACTUALLY hear from you? =D

♥the trick is to keep breathing 12:34 AM

Monday, November 10, 2008

Happy Birthday mommy! A year older but always wise. I don't think you can get any wiser than you already are. Haha. Anyway, i hope everything works out well for you and that 2009 will be a better year ok? Don't worry so much, you know we will support you no matter the outcome. And i will TRY not to be a constant pain to you ok? I know you've had enough with me! But isn't that why you loveeeeeee me?! Heh.

Thank You for everything. Especially the past couple of days..making sure i eat. Giving me a hug or just sitting down and talking to me. It makes it that much easier to wake up everyday ma!

I love you endlessly. HUGSSSSSS!

♥the trick is to keep breathing 4:53 AM

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I am feeling sad songs, for dirty lovers. I need to buy me a ticket to the end of the rainbow.

The trip didn't quite meet the agenda it should have met. The head tried but the heart did a good job of making my head wander back to some place it should not have wandered. I had fun, well here and there. If there's one thing i did not miss out on..it was FOOD. Couldn't miss out on that, could i?

So where was i? Well after all the thinking, i came to a conclusion. I am gonna wait it out and see where time takes me. I don't think i have anything to lose anymore. There's nothing much i can do if i am not granted the time i need. So i will wait, once again.

But please don't take too long.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 8:23 AM

Friday, November 7, 2008

love the sinner. hate the sin.

you have to stop dancing with the devil. what pleasure do you get ? what the hell is happening? all i can ask is why? why now? why me? why would you? why didn't you? why why why? yet i will never get answers huh. you might as well put a gun to my head. heard your voice this afternoon, there was something different about it. the unfamiliarity. i don't know you anymore. i never did to begin with. you've been nothing more than a stranger.

*thanks jo, lis, nad and monss: love you all plenty..intoxication comes with a price eh? tears and more.haha.but thanks darlings! to the caracal boy (and inbetweens): thank you for playing me [shina] songs. they were lovely and cheered me up for sure. :D

♥the trick is to keep breathing 1:57 AM

Thursday, November 6, 2008

i swallowed my entire tongue stud whole! ball bearing and all. i didn't realize it till much later when i tried playing with it. it's the first time i have swallowed the entire thing ahh! And it was a new purple stud laaa! sighh

anyway i am gon take my bimbotic self out of the house tonight. intoxicate myself i shall. can't sit at home, otherwise imma go mad. like seriously. something needs to make me cry, i have enough reason to but im not cryinggggggg. NOT GOOD. i'm getting way too emo for my liking. this has to STOP.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 5:16 AM

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I HAVE AN ITCH THAT ONLY CHUCK CAN SCRATCH !

***
My room is in a total mess. I have been neglecting it for some time now and it needs organizing. Think i shall get to that a little later. Went for a swim earlier just to get my mind off things. I had the entire pool all to myself which kinda helped with my whole solitary mode. Of course the rain had to ruin my train of thoughts so i came up had a long and hot shower and here i am dreaming about Chuck Bass again. Does not help that i watched Gossip Girl last night before i hit the sack and he won my heart yet again. Move over Dan. and now i am totally rooting for Jenny and Nate! Why did he have to leave for the Hamptons!? Sob.

OTH next on my agenda. My nails need a fix. It looks horrid. I can't keep from biting it and it's in real bad shape now. MANICURE here i come.

Anyway, better a broken nose than a broken heart ? hmmm.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 2:40 AM

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

You know, they say if you love something, you should set it free.
Ugh! They say when you hate something, you should slam the door in its face.

Here i am trying to focus but all i keep doing is doodling. Doodle, they should have an exam on that, i am pretty sure i will ace it. bleah. and all i see after i've filled my entire notebook is your name and mine. with random words here and there and my signature in between and oh fucked up drawings of broken hearts as well. Pictures speak a thousand words. In my case my doodles speak for themselves. Sian la, damn fucking sian. I need to get out. After this weekend and before my new term begins. I'll squeeze in something exciting. December 13th come quick too. ZOUK OUT is calling me name. Zouk out virgin can. Haa, laugh all you want, thats how deprived i've been the last 3 years and counting but not this year round. Hell no. If you can take all the time in the world to travel, go places and be out all night and day then zouk out is no big deal. Cause it's just about an hour or so away from home in the same country might i add. so quit the drama. cause i wish i could be half as restricting as you. but I AM NOT. fyi: i do know what i am doing. and like mentioned in my earlier posts its not always about you. Cut me some slack now love.

I am sickened. by pictures, blog posts and more pictures. it makes my stomach turn and my heart twist. painful much. call me sore, cause i have every right to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK IT.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:18 AM

I know i tried telling you how i feel. at least i got it out of my system. its okay if you do not have the time for me anymore.

but let me know when you can fit me into your busy schedule. thank you.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 4:58 AM

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I have forgotten what it feels like. And i am not so sure i am bothered by it. I saw this one picture that i could have been bothered about BUT i am not so sure i am. Hell, i am not bothered at all. funny ah? I thought i would be. Screamed, yelled, fussed, fought and blown the roof off. BUT no, i am fine. I am officially being an adult about it. Too bad for you though, cause if it were me, hahahaha..it would have been an entirely different story now, would it love? :D you have my full consent and blessing. not that you need it. you'll do just fine, i know.

I guess it's gotta stop somewhere. It's gotta stop being all about you you and you. It's always been. But not anymore. The reason i have forgotten is because you don't make me wanna remember. And i guess i am fine by it. In fact, i secretly wish that two weeks don't come. I would be a much happier person wondering than to actually feel the torment of those two weeks. (ain't i such a cynic?) We try so hard to be positive but sometimes it gets you nowhere and i'd much rather be surprised than be disappointed you see. Cause ignorance is sure bliss.

Time to give me something to believe in cause i don't believe in you anymore.

____

"Save the cheerleader save the world!"

I have so missed out on Heroes. I completely gave up after how season 2 disappointed me, but the ratings and loyal fans of Heroes have made me think otherwise about season 3. so yes, i am back on track. YAY!

looking forward to saturdayyyy. wheeeee, time to indulge in guilty pleasure 7.8! ;)

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:33 AM