Scars For Me & Souvenirs For You

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Good morning! good morning!

I am up so early this morning, and that's rare. It looks like a glorious day to be up and about this early. Still I can't deny the fact that while the day looks like it's gonna be gorgeous, my heart is somewhat heavy. AGAIN, yes, again!

See, these dreams keep haunting me. But if they haunt me then wouldn't they be nightmares instead. But with your face in most of them, doesn't seem like quite a nightmare when I wake up. In reality we're complete strangers. In my dreams we seem like we've known each other for years, which is a fact not fiction. Some nights, I wake up in a cold sweat, some mornings I wake up smiling and being at ease with myself that my dreams can be quite nostalgically beautiful (if there's such a term).

A pain etched on your face? Could it be the pain just to get sympathy votes? Or could it be the pain of a man whose heart is genuinely aching now. Cause to be honest, I don't quite think this boy's got any sorta emotions, if you ask me. Now, that's IF we're talking about the same boy even. Who knows eh? I can only wonder now. The thing is, I keep reasoning things out with myself. Why? Why should I be feeling sorry? Why should I be feeling sad? Why should I be reminiscing the good ol' days? Why should I be wanting them back? (though i know that's not at my best interest) Why should I be wondering what it'd be like when you're a million miles away in a deserted land all by yourself? Why should I be praying that someday, we will stop being strangers to one another? Why why why? Questions questions and more questions.

Everyday, i try and answer them. And I have darn good reasons to be believe that decisions made were wise ones. Can't help reminiscing though. Every now and again, as I walk pass a certain place, inhale a certain cologne or see a 'souped'-up car pass me by, it irks me to just think it, think..YOU. It's officially the fourth month of the year and I'm still fighting this battle. A constant battle with my head and my conflicted heart.

Friends ask me, would you go back to where you were if given the opportunity. I don't think twice. My answer comes as fast as a heart beat. YES. Surprise surprise! For shina hasn't quite learned from past experiences eh? Not really. But I guess it's just me. That gleam of hope never seems to fade. I love my life, right now. There's definitely a void that needs to be filled for sure. But it's also something I've to nurse on my own and no one else can fill that at the moment. Not even the one i thought I'd give my heart to, forever.

Sigh, and so here i am, still trying to fight this battle, these emotions. Amongst other worries, gawd!

I pray so hard dear God, please let me leave this country. Not so i can run away from my problems but so I can face them and deal with them. On my OWN. I need the time and space!

Right now 10 000 miles of space can really do me some good.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 6:21 PM