2.19AM on a Thursday morning and i'm home. Didn't club. Chose not to rather. After last weeks useless movie choice - Funny Games US, thought i'd make up for it and catch Harold & Kumar but family time seemed more appealing and hence had dinner with them over some good ol' BBQ!! :) Good food, great company!

Now i'm home and contemplating playing poker yet again cause i'm down to 7K ! SOB sob! I've watched One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives and Grey's already so there's nothing left to watch. Another SOB SOB there.

SIGHHH. BORING! One tree hill last night triggered some sorta' emotion in me. Something that i kept buried in me for weeks now. But after talking about it and confessing to someone about how i truly felt, it kinda made me feel better. It's MAY the 1st! and can't help but think what could've been. Funny how under other circumstances i'd never remember the 1st but tonight, I did. Weird weird. Time really flies huh, another month it'd be June and half the year would've gone by. It would've been 6 months since, and i'm still sober huh?

you have a way with words, you have a way with how you can stare me down and pretend it doesn't mean anything, still i stand grounded.

at the end of this road i might catch a glimpse of me. no comparing, no more second guessing. its been a couple of months and i'm still breathing. it's never really over, no. it gets harder, but its a fear that i face everyday and its good to be scared i suppose cause it means we know we've still got something to lose.

BUT...i'm still sober and that's all that matters, for tonight at least.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:19 AM

OHMYGAWD.

I AM, SLEEPLESS IN SEMBAWANG.

I am dead dead beat, i know it. i can feel it, but i can't seem to do anything about it. I refused to blog, but i have nothing else to do. Grey's is NOT out yet :( i've watched all my other series, 'poker-ed' myself out. and i'm on quite a roll tonight. I've 33K now, so so proud of myself. Luck's on my side tonight. Thought i should take a break, cause i'm afraid the luck might run out. Then there's there's there's...hmmmmm, prettty much nothing else on the agenda. Oh besides the last couple of pics I edited of myself. Bleah!

Seeing Triston tomorrow. Taking him out shopping to town, with my sis. He's getting a new pair of shoes, my sisters idea of pampering him. Then there's no plans for the night, cause some asswipe bailed on me. BOO! So i'm plan-less. But i'm certain some plan will creep up eventually. Plans on sat-err-day! Oreaboy has plans with his friends and has happily included me in them, so tag along i shall for some *ahem* yindian loving. Hurr. Sunday, the drift show that i am dyinggg to go for!! Haven't had my daily dose in a long time you see, the ones that take place in a neighbourhood near you. So i've to resort to the shows instead. It's happening at Changi, not sure where exactly. But hope those plans work out. Oh oh, and church! MUST MUST!

Schooool's starting sooon. Next month actually, can't wait! Finally, i'm gonna be working this brain of mine, its been useless for awhile now and i need to get it working again, for a good course this time.

K, i feeeel the 'feng shui' and what not, time to head back to thy poker gameeee!

TA!



XOXOX

♥the trick is to keep breathing 12:36 PM

OFFICIALLY 21!

Hating it, but lets just say the (surprise) party that was thrown for me was a huge consolation and if i hadn't turned 21 it wouldn't have happened! My gorgeous family were behind the entire planning and left me quite clueless. I was told that it was in Sentosa Resort, some sorta bungalow or something. But when we entered Sentosa gateway and they blindfolded me, I kinda had my doubts. Mommy then reassured me that she didn't want me to see the entire bungalow until I got inside. Made enough sense to me, though i was still very much clueless and excited. It seemed like the longest ride in and an even longer WALK to where the "bungalow" was located. Many stairs and stoned walkways, uneven ones too. Amidst all that my dress kept dropping cause it was too heavy and I wore it as a tube dress first by removing the straps which was a huge mistake, cause i have no idea how many people actually saw me adjusting it as i walked to the location of my party. Steph, my aunt and Vish walked me there as my parents voice echoed in the backround. When I got there (still blindfolded) Steph said "the eagle has landed!"

Psyched, i was instructed to remove my blindfold! AND TO MY SHOCK! AND THIS IS NO UNDERSTATEMENT! I was standing on a dock, facing the yacht which was supposedly "the bungalow". I looked all around and the view was out of this world. Rather out of singapore. It was like a scene right out of Laguna Beach or Newport Harbor. I swear! It was so beautiful. What made it even more gorgeous, was the fact that everyone was decked in white/gold/silver (i picked out the theme, which fit so well with the whole party, location wise) and standing on the yacht, looking down on me. Yelling "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHINAAAA, SURPRISE!!" Everyone that mattered most were there, family and friends. Nothing more I could ask for. I was ushered into the yacht, and what awaited me left me in tears. Orchid petals on the floor, baby/present pictures of me and my loved ones on the walls of the yacht, candles, champagne and the list goes on. I was led to the balcony and the scenery, GORGEOUS beyond words.

You have to be there to know, cause my words won't do no justice. Well, the rest of the night was just classy fun, awesome food and drinks. A beautifully yummy cake, lots of mingling and of course we spent the night/morning on the yacht. I've taken loads of pictures and some videos with the BRAND new Samsung NV4 digi cam my darling sis got me. The birthday on the yacht, my parents gift to me. Spending it with people who mattered, PRICELESS.

Let the pictures speak for themselves...

Here are the links..since I'm being such a LAZY LAZY bum to upload all of them! :)

** www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=34408&l=bf269&id=539135989

** www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=34427&l=6a3f6&id=539135989

** www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=34434&l=0c1f5&id=539135989

** www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=34435&l=76529&id=539135989

Here are just some random ones besides the ones on the LINKS above!




OK, the loading is taking FOREVER. so forget it, just three it is. Ha.

Alright i'm off to catch my one tree hill now. It's been 2 weeks overdue and i've had major withdrawal symptoms from it.

~Adioss.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 5:47 AM

Ok so i was pretty much living in my fantasy world the last 48 hours. BIG FAT HA! Really.

Anyhow, i've snapped back to reality and i've more important things to focus on like my upcoming birthday preparations that aren't going anywhere. Ok they are! but i haven't got my clothes!! I need to get it by tomorrow the latest! i am so last minute can!

Sigh sigh sigh! There's so much i need to do by Friday and time is running out. I am stressed out about a certain something and i need to get it OUT OF my system!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW?!? i'm like stuck and it's got NOTHING to do with the matters of the heart. It's almost a life and death situation, literally speaking.

SHOOT ME ALREADY!

eff! eff! eff!

OK IM GONNA GO STRESS OVER IT, MORE!

♥the trick is to keep breathing 4:41 AM

'Life's just one big casino. Everything's a risk. There's no gurantees. But if you want something badly enough you have to go for it. If you happiness depends on it you've got no choice but to take the gamble and follow your heart. Live for the moment. If you don't you'll always wonder what might have been.'

Isn't it strange how selective the memory can be, remembering the good bits but conveniently editing out all others? It's as if the bad times never took place. Sigh. I had to. I had to tell you how i feel. I was living for the moment and i know you felt the same. You chose not to share your thoughts and that pretty much said it all. It literally spoke for itself. I know you boy, i sure do. I know when you care and when you don't and you obviously did. I stole not just a minute of your day, but i say a good hour or more. It felt good and believe me, you haven't changed one bit. In a good way. Felt like when i was 18 and you 20.

Still the silly spoiled brat i've come to adore, still that cheeky and still that darn passionate about automobiles, still that 'ah beng'-ness in you, still that never ending streak of sarcasm, still that playful and still the boy i fell in love with eons ago. Same ol' same ol' i say. Nonetheless I took a gamble, made that call. I had to or i would've never known.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

There is room beneath your bed for me.
There is room beneath your bed just for me.
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to sleep underneath your bed.

There's one minute of your day.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to occupy one minute of your day.

Just to sleep underneath your bed.

Just to stay in the corner of you heart.


Don't even ask me where i found this...

♥the trick is to keep breathing 5:05 PM

good morning yo!

I'm in one of those happy chappy moods. It's only the beginning of the week and i know this is the time of the week most of us get the blues cause we've five days before the weekend hits us again. But the blue(s) bug is just not bugging me today. Maybe because my birthday is in fivee days and i'm really looking forward to the party itself but not the part where I turn bloody 21! TWENTY-ONE and i do not, let me repeat, do NOT feel any wiser. I've obviously made certain changes to my life, love-life wise. And still dealing and adjusting to those changes, i will pull through. Eventually.

I'm officially done with my first of many books piled on my dining table waiting to be read upon. The one i just finished is called Going La La by Alexandra Potter. The only reason i picked this one out of the rest was cause the prologue really struck me. HA! It's a story about not knowing what or who is around the corner. About what would happen if you had to choose between a man you've just met and the love of your life. Well apart from that, the book was interesting beyond the first few pages and i got hooked. Couldn't quite put it down and i must say most parts of the book left me a tad bit nostalgic. Sigh sigh. But it was okay, it gave me answers i needed, doubts i had and definitely got my emotions in check Funny huh? How A BOOK can do that? I made dog ears to the parts i liked most and here's just some i wanna share that might help you guys...

'Someone always gets hurt. This time it happens to be you. If it's any consolation, I thought about Kelly for six months, maybe a year. Until one day i woke up and i realized i was over her. In fact i'd been over her for awhile, I just hadn't noticed.'
'But how do you know you're over someone?'
'You just do. One day you'll hear that song you both liked on the radio and it won't make you cry. You'll wake up one morning and they won't be the first thing you think about, or the last thing you think about when you're falling asleep at night. Their face won't be the one you see any more when you close your eyes, or in a crowd when you're walking down a street. And when something makes you laugh, or cry, they won't be the person you want to share it with.' Taking the joint from her, he put it between his lips and sucked hard. But it had gone out. 'You'll forget their phone number, maybe even their birthday and your anniversary, but you'll never forget them.' -Riley

I think this is by far one of the many books I've fallen in love with. It really gets you thinking and it snaps you back to reality. Also because I related to most of it. Now i'm on to my second book, Trading Up by Candace Bushnell the bestselling author of Sex and the City and 4 Blondes. I'm sure it's gonna be just as good. I've all these good reads at home that my sis picked up from god knows where, so April's gonna be book-maniaaaaa for me! OK HAVE I BORED YOU GUYS ??


**Anyhow, I wasn't too overwhelmed with emotions when I entered his humble abode though i missed every bit of being there and being a big part of it. I miss dearly. I miss the bit where I wake in the mornings to make us our morning breakfast before you go to work, i miss the bit where i lie in bed reading a book, while i wait for you to get back from work. I miss the bit where I've to get your dinner ready and get you a hot cup of tea just how you like it, made by yours truly. I miss the bit where we snuggle up on your couch, lazing around or watching WWE and trying our own wrestling moves on one another. I miss the bit where i've to do your laundry and make sure you've a clean set of uniform for the following morning. I miss the bit where i have to wake up extra early just so I can wake you up after countless numbers of '5 more minutes baby'. I miss the bit where you drive me home just before heading to work and how you give me a light kiss on my lip before i leave. I miss the bit where you come pick me up after work and we head to have our favourite 'hokkien mee' near my place. i miss the bit where you drive me home to pick up my stuff and i'm back at your place for another night of 'IMISSYOUBITS'. above all, i miss you the most. But its okay, these are just imissyous. I'm fine, and it's just nice thinking about the old times. Thats why they are called OLD TIMES. to leave you nostalgic, time and time.


There's someplace far inside of me,

Only you will find,

Feelings far inside of me,

You left behind.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 6:13 PM

♥the trick is to keep breathing 9:26 AM

When webcam-ing becomes a daily affair. Ha, pictures speak a thousand words. In this case..a thousand words of jokes and laughter. We were goofing around and we took shit loads of pictures, but I'm not uploading all cause we look like complete retards in most of them. Hurr! Sorry Vish!

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:29 AM

It’s often said that no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out that they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people, the ones that run as far as they can so they don’t have to look at themselves. And as for ME, I can see clearly now.

:)

I want to be the happily ever after person, I want to believe in that again.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:17 AM

Good morning! good morning!

I am up so early this morning, and that's rare. It looks like a glorious day to be up and about this early. Still I can't deny the fact that while the day looks like it's gonna be gorgeous, my heart is somewhat heavy. AGAIN, yes, again!

See, these dreams keep haunting me. But if they haunt me then wouldn't they be nightmares instead. But with your face in most of them, doesn't seem like quite a nightmare when I wake up. In reality we're complete strangers. In my dreams we seem like we've known each other for years, which is a fact not fiction. Some nights, I wake up in a cold sweat, some mornings I wake up smiling and being at ease with myself that my dreams can be quite nostalgically beautiful (if there's such a term).

A pain etched on your face? Could it be the pain just to get sympathy votes? Or could it be the pain of a man whose heart is genuinely aching now. Cause to be honest, I don't quite think this boy's got any sorta emotions, if you ask me. Now, that's IF we're talking about the same boy even. Who knows eh? I can only wonder now. The thing is, I keep reasoning things out with myself. Why? Why should I be feeling sorry? Why should I be feeling sad? Why should I be reminiscing the good ol' days? Why should I be wanting them back? (though i know that's not at my best interest) Why should I be wondering what it'd be like when you're a million miles away in a deserted land all by yourself? Why should I be praying that someday, we will stop being strangers to one another? Why why why? Questions questions and more questions.

Everyday, i try and answer them. And I have darn good reasons to be believe that decisions made were wise ones. Can't help reminiscing though. Every now and again, as I walk pass a certain place, inhale a certain cologne or see a 'souped'-up car pass me by, it irks me to just think it, think..YOU. It's officially the fourth month of the year and I'm still fighting this battle. A constant battle with my head and my conflicted heart.

Friends ask me, would you go back to where you were if given the opportunity. I don't think twice. My answer comes as fast as a heart beat. YES. Surprise surprise! For shina hasn't quite learned from past experiences eh? Not really. But I guess it's just me. That gleam of hope never seems to fade. I love my life, right now. There's definitely a void that needs to be filled for sure. But it's also something I've to nurse on my own and no one else can fill that at the moment. Not even the one i thought I'd give my heart to, forever.

Sigh, and so here i am, still trying to fight this battle, these emotions. Amongst other worries, gawd!

I pray so hard dear God, please let me leave this country. Not so i can run away from my problems but so I can face them and deal with them. On my OWN. I need the time and space!


Right now 10 000 miles of space can really do me some good.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 6:21 PM