Scars For Me & Souvenirs For You

Sunday, November 4, 2007

10 things NOT to do to the person you love.

1) It is said so often, and for good reason too, that one should not judge.

So, listen. You do not decide that your problems are bigger than hers; or that hers are not worth crying over. Respect that when she hurts, she hurts.

2) When there is a problem, you do not point fingers.

You do not say “If only YOU did xyz, right now we wouldn’t be fighting.” You also do not say “This could have been resolved 5 minutes into the conversation if only YOU hadn’t and YOU didn’t…..” You do not conveniently decide that you are the all-knowing love guru. It will not kill you to work together to solve something instead of saying ‘you-you-you.’

3) You do not diss the things or people that matter to her. No matter what.

Her best friend could be a pile of trash and her father could be on crack, but she loves them. So accept it. Think about this. It is a common norm, that while it is alright for you to whine about your loved ones, it is clearly not okay for her to start on them. Imagine you complain about a brother who perhaps irritates you non-stop. That’s alright, but you’d wanna punch her lights out if she goes on and calls your brother a ‘fuckin poofter who’s clearly a wimp and will have horrid things coming his way cos he was so daft and dumb about what-not.” I’m not very creative with expletives but you get what I mean, no?

Realise that love is unconditional and while you may think certain people in her life need no love and kindness, you are no gardener. If she needed weeding, she would’ve done it herself. You might not like that her friend, brother, sister or father is a certain way, but realise she is no ditz and that she loves or respects them for a reason, or for a shared past so keep your dissing to yourself.

This is about respect.

4) You do not ignore her for hours because you just ‘didn’t want to fight.’

With relationships come committment, and with committment comes responsibility. You do not run away and hide for half a day under your pretty rock when the going gets tough. You take a deep breath, remind yourself why the relationship or she is so important to you, and you work with her, to make things okay.

5) You do not assume, that she’s playing mind games with you.

If she says she doesn’t understand something, explain it to her. It is not her fault that she doesn’t rationalise or think the way you do. If you’re mad at her for something she’s done, fine. That’s another story for another day. But it’s plain cruel for getting mad at her for not understanding something; more so, when she asks you to please help her understand. Do not say she’s ‘fuckin’ stupid’ or tell her she can’t be ‘that dumb.’ She’s a grown adult and doesn’t need belittling by you.

6) You do not assume that she does nothing just because she doesn’t lay it all out.

Realise that she might not have explicitly said much, but she might be doing more than what is known. Put yourself in her shoes once in awhile and maybe you’d see how much she tries or does for the relationship. And show her some appreciation or hell, maybe even some acknowledgement would be decent. It wouldn’t have been easy dealing with you when you’re drunk, when you’re angry, when you’re lazy, when you’re closed to other opinions….yes? Think about it.

7) You do not at any point, threaten her, force her in a corner or hit her.

Hitting her is a definite no-no, no explanations are necessary. However, when fighting, you do not tell her to ‘get out’ or ’leave because you don’t wanna be with a person who….” You do not threaten a break-up. You do not make it seem like she’s nothing more than a speck of dust, or that your relationship is worth jack-shit, and that it would make no bloody difference if she stayed or left.

You do not humiliate her during arguments.

You do not yell such that half the city hears you. Would you like to be treated the same? Or perhaps more relevantly, would you allow it? Realise that when she sits there and takes that from you, she’s not being weak or small, she tells herself she loves you and that walking off would just bring your relationship down. I mean, honestly, wouldn’t you just walk? You also do not belittle her when she cries. You do not yell at her to ‘look at you when you’re talking to her’ when she’s crying. Have a heart.

9) You do not ever forget that she’s a grown woman and lived her life fine before you came along.

She made decisions, planned her life, got an education and maybe even a job and did many other things on her own. Sure, she mightv’e made some mistakes, but who hasn’t. But she’s learnt, and in a large sense, she’s strong. If you love her, you must know her. And if you know her, you must realise as soft as she might be, she’s far from stupid. Do not forget this. Because if you do, you might do some very silly things. You might scream at her for not knowing something, or not doing something; the way you might have done. Realise first that she might have reasons for that, and talk to her. I will bold this for the benefit of some poor dimwits males who are inflicted with selective-reading. Talk to her. It’s great you’re concerned, and believe me, even if you express it in the worst of ways, she’s thankful you give a shit and that you care. However, after a long and maybe tired day, she doesn’t need to be yelled at, by you, for making certain personal decisions, just cos you don’t quite agree. I mean face it, would you like her to nag you and scream at you and remind you of your inadequesies? Would you like her to scream at you to quit smoking, to drink less, to put a bit more effort in your studies, to pass that damn paper, to take out the trash, to feed your cat, to get a job, to get to rehab? Would you?

T-A-L-K don’t Y-E-L-L.

10) You do not disrespect her, as much as you can help it. No comparing.

You do not swear at her, you do not talk down to her, you do not tell her how silly she is, you do not judge her decisons. You do not yell at her abt X one minute and tell her everything’s okay the next. You do not humiliate her. Especially in the presence of others. You do not tell her to look at Person X or person Y, and see how they’re acting and remind her how she’s not like that. She doesn’t compare you to others and you know you wouldn’t have the kind of patience to stand for that either. Oh the list grows. But you catch my drift.

This of course leads me to say - remember the big picture. The love, the relationship, the memories, the marriage, the kids. Then, it should be fine. Always have that at the front of your mind.

I mean, yhy would you hurt the person, you say you love so so much? The person you call your wife? The person you have or plan to have kids with? The person you say you can’t live without? The person you say you love more than yourself?

WHY?

(this I read on Jesh's blog, i had to share it with the rest of you cause it makes PERFECT sense, no?)

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:20 AM