MOS 290907
♥the trick is to keep breathing 1:29 PM
We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth, the more things change the more they stay the same. And sometimes, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything.
Well, I for one have a huge problem adapting to change and now that gets me left behind all the damn time. I complain and procrastinate making an attempt to adapt. I do not know how to adapt. I refuse to. All because I'm confused! I don't know what to anymore. PERIOD.
Option 1: Bail! Option 2: Reconsider. Option 3: Deal with it! Option 1 does not seem feasible because, I am the queen of bailing herself. And i choose not to because I do not want to be a loser who only knows how to run from her problem. Hmmm, option 2, that I've contemplated with one too many times. Yet leaves me sitting on the fence with no clue which side of it I should be on. That just leaves me with option freaking 3! Deal with it. Yep, I'm Saint Shina, the one who takes it all in and deals with it. The one who's supposedly able to digest it all in like two seconds, tops. Three cheers for me please, thank you. Now, shoot me.
Seriously, all this lamenting ain't doing me no justice. Confining myself to my room doesn't help either. However, occupying myself with things to do other then the voice in my head seems to help a hell lot. Time flies and so does IT. So perhaps thats option 4?
OK. go figure. Shina babbles.
I shall rid you of me, and me of you.
Bleah.
♥the trick is to keep breathing 1:11 PM
The moment I said it,
The moment I opened my mouth
Lead in your eye lids,
Bulldozed the life out of meI know what you're thinking,
But darling you're not thinking straight
Sadly things just happen we can't explain
It's not even light out,
But you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
No I’ve never seen you like this,
And I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it at all
Just put back the car keys,
Or somebody's gonna get hurt
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now
We'll work it all out together,
But we're getting nowhere tonight
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better,
Somehow in time
I'm losing you, I'm losing you
Trust me on this one
I've got a bad feeling,
Trust me on this one
You're gonna throw it all away
With no hesitation
Bye.
♥the trick is to keep breathing 9:58 AM
As I sit here smoking my cigarette and thinking of what's become, I can't help but feel that I am to be blamed. Did I suffocate you? Or was I not there for you as much as you needed me? I think I was fair to you, I was there only when you wanted me to and I don't think I was breathing down your neck, in actual fact that was what you were doing to me, I got so accustomed to it. Immuned, so much so my whole life revolved around just you.
Now I sit and wait for your call as you make a decision. A decision I should be making because I wasn't the one who made a mistake, I wasn't the one who crossed the line. For some reason, for the shit I've been through in the past, I've got my priorities straight. But karma is a slap in the face. This is exactly what happened when i met you. Except that I had every reason to walk. You? Please tell me how I did you wrong? I am confused as hell.
I haven't closed my doors on you. But remember Im human too. There's only so much I can digest, I ain't a saint. Don't just tell me to deal with every damn thing because I've had my reasons. While you were being you, you never had reasons valid. Only because you knew I would eat whatever crap you fed me. I took it all in, so I could have a decent relationship with you. But see where that has brought us. While you were busy taming me, you forgot about yourself. Look what you've become.
We should take a walk.
♥the trick is to keep breathing 9:45 AM
I guess we can't really complain about karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just evens the score.
I have to, I have to get it out of my system. The past week has been busy. There's work and when I do get an off day, I want to do everything I can possibly do and pack it all in a day. I get beat up by the end of the day and before I know it, my next working day is near. On top of that I have other issues to deal with, which completely drains most of whatever energy there is left.
Today, hmmm. Should I call it the day of revelations? For all the wrong reasons. A vibe blacks me out and soon after the truth does. It always come hand in hand. The vibe and the truth. Such divulgence, I swear. I hate to say this but it disgusts me more than it upsets me. Which is why I need some form of enlightenment.
We are the captains of our own ship and there's a reason that is so. I mean we choose to do what pleases, right? Whether its good or bad for us. However why is it, we still choose to carry on with things despite knowing that its bad for us? Could be the strong affection? The addiction? The 'high' it gives? I'm so clueless. I mean here I am, giving my all not doing shit just so you benefit and there you are doing what just benefits YOU and only you. Selfishly doing things despite the hurt it can cause. Blatantly ignorant and oblivious to ones feelings. I would've never imagined or have the slightest notion of your capabilities. You claim my friends are whores and sluts. But the manwhore himself speaks. Excellent.
I've had friends, friends who cheated on their girlfriends yet were so darn sorry yet continued fuckin' about and that upsetted me so much I had to tell you about it to get it out of my system. And this was the same friend who reassured me you were a good person. I don't know if i should be laughing or crying. Could it be, you want me to read between the lines? I can and it feels like a slap across the face, telling me that I was the dumbest biatch for being so damn forgiving and gullible. I swear.
I keep getting these mental blocks, and sudden flashes of the past. Trying to make some sense of what we had. Did it even mean anything to you, at all?
To think all this was remotely possible? How is that?
//Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth, mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs. Speak no feeling, no i don't believe you!
You don't care a bit.
♥the trick is to keep breathing 6:17 AM
Today marked the end of our training. A part of me is relieved while on the other hand it is sad that all of training has come to a halt. It might be the end, which means it's only just begun. If you get what I mean.
Full grooming today was fun. Saw each other in our uniforms for the first time. I thought we actually looked decent in it. Took endless amount of pictures. However that wasn't the highlight of the day. We were having our Graduation Party after. BBQ it was, at Linda's. Which was a stone throw away from where training is usually held. Gorgeous Condo la! We were snapping pictures for the first half an hour, and NO i am not exaggerating. It was as if we were on a darn holiday, especially so with our trolley bags. Such embarrassments to ourselves mann! It was as good as me fasting because I felt bad digging in to all the good food with my muslim friends around. So to respect them, and rid me of the guilt, I only had my first meal for the day at 7.05pm on the dot. All ready with paper plates, food piled, everything. Hilarious la! got our very first pathetic pay check. More like transport coverage for the past month plus. But it'll cover me for my SNY's and most of my flights the next couple of weeks. Flying to Phuket this Sunday. With Ridzuan!!!! Thankfully! I wouldn't want to be on my SNY flight without a kaki. Bound to get zapped. =/
I'd upload the pics BUT most of them are not on my camera. Will do once I get a hold of them :)
I'm dead beat and I need to rest. MAJOR!
Have a great weekend darlings.
♥the trick is to keep breathing 9:22 AM
I've zero energy to do anything when I get back home from training the past couple of weeks. Don't even go online much. Ever since I got my laptop back from repair I havent done much. Only 15 darn songs in my playlist. Call me pathetic. (i didnt even know Blogger had a Add Video option now?!) Hence, no updates. Not like I have much to update on anyway. My days are oh so monotonous (for now). Feels like I am back in school.
Another week and I'll officially be working. Can't wait for that though. :) Not like I'm not occupied enough, but this time the environment's gonna be entirely different. Classes have been fun though. Got through SEPs and it wasn't such a bitch after all. Don't think I've been this serious about anything. Good thing though.
Looking forward to the weekend cause I'm on off come Monday. Off-in-lieu of Saturday. Yesyes, poor me, i've work from 8.30-5.30 on a freaking Sat but its ok, I don't have to be blueee on Monday. And then FRIDAY the 14th. Wheeee, poolside BBQ at my Managers place. A mark of an ending and a new beginning. BUT before that I've my CPR practical test and First Aid theory test to get through this Sat. And I'll be a little more freee. =/
I'm getting used to all that travelling to the East. It sucks, I want to shift! And move to the EAST. That way I'll be closer to work and closer to Baby's home.
Speaking of which, I'm so happy with the way things are. Everything is at its right place. I couldn't ask for more. :):)
*youilove.*
I just ate, its 12.46am. I've work tomorrow and sleep is near.
Later.
♥the trick is to keep breathing 9:33 AM
Shinaaa
