Scars For Me & Souvenirs For You

Monday, March 31, 2008

As we lay there quiet
I was reminded of all the reasons why I lust you
Your smile,
and the way it teased at me seductively
Your laugh,
and the way it tempted me
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to hypnotize me

As we sat there silent
I was reminded of all the reasons why I love you
Your smile,
and the way it brings such life into me
Your laugh,
and the way it makes everything okay
Your eyes,
and the way they seem to read my thoughts

As we stand here now
I am reminded of all the reasons why I hate you
Your smile,
and the way it confuses me
Your laugh,
and the way it seems to mock me
Your eyes,
and the way they can look into mine and not feel a thing

----------------------------------

I love him so much. Does he realize I'll do anything for him? And that perhaps i do deserve some credit. But then again i don't even think i want the credit. I want his love. The undying kind. The one that most girls dream of. The one that seems like it'll last for a life time during the honeymoon-ing period.

I'm still hoping, wishing, dreaming and praying. I don't even want old times back. I just want us to gradually get better, better than before. For some reason I really can't seem to let go. Not that i should if i really want this relationship but even if i wanted to, I don't think i could even remotely bring myself to. The last time i was in a relationship and when i was made to make a decision to leave or not, it was so tough on me. I took forever to get over him and now this. Maybe it's the fear of going through that entire process again. I mean it's crap that time heals all wounds. Time is what makes it all the more painful. Call me a wuss, i'm guilty as charged.

Shoot me!

I don't even want to be thinking about leaving. I mean these are just thoughts that float in my head. So does the heart do the thinking or the head do the thinking?

The above was blogged on the 1st of April 2007. It's the 1st of April 2008.
Funny funny, how one goes through the same emotions and yet so much changes in just one year. How i actually have the strength to pick myself up and move on. Despite everything, the emotions felt exactly a year ago, still feel too familiar. Does it make any sense at all?

♥the trick is to keep breathing 1:20 PM

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

You know what's the weirdest part? Doesn't all this seem as if you were the one who chose to leave because I chose to ruin us? Hmmm... Low, low fidelity.

Today was refreshing. Amongst other things of course. I got a call from 'mister anonymous', funny how it seemed like an accidental call when I know I haven't been on his last dial list for the longest time and what are the odds of his phone scrolling down all the way to SHINA and it hitting the call button? Mysterious mysterious. Apparently I answered the call in my sleep and I didn't see the number hence thinking it was someone else, when I eventually woke up and realized all that wasn't just a dream, I found out it was HIM. Oh well, I shrugged it off, didn't call back or text back to find out either cause i know I would've gotten a dumb ass remark. :)

Had a long long conversation with Miss Thana over the phone. One that we're meant to have over masala tea made by yours truly. *beams* (FYI thana, I don't exactly like tea, masala tea to be precise, but when you make it, it just tastes yummy yummy!) We decided to continue the rest of the conversation tomorrow over breakkie at MACS or rather order in, at her place with her speacial masala tea of course. Looking forward to that since Perth is stealing her back from us all. Missed you girl!

Lorraine, Steph and myself headed to town today. The agenda being, shop shop shop! For her birthday and window shop for mine. She managed to find a pretty dress from Far East after lots of walking but I think she'll end up wearing something else. Bleah! I've settled with my black and blue Future State dress. Raine, a black top with PINK jeans was it?!? Hahahaha, I KID! Looking forward to this weekend. Stephiee baby turns 20! 2 weeks later and I TURN EFFING 21! I am so getting old. The cruel reality.

Cuscaden's with the girls, Raj and Viv for juggies of beer on a Tuesday was fine by me. That can put me asleep tonight. Vish came a tad bit late, so we just had a stick with the rest and he then dropped me home. (And we ain't beefin' no more, yo! haha)

Gonna play a couple of hands of Poker! Yes I am totally addicted. It's disgusting! =/ I've to hit the sack early! Don't want to disappoint Thana tomorrow morning! :)

Good night world.

//I'm still breathing. I am!

♥the trick is to keep breathing 9:48 AM

Sunday, March 23, 2008

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again I pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to do

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to do

♥the trick is to keep breathing 12:55 PM

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Someone told me this today, someone who means quite a great deal. And only because I have been waiting for the day I'd cry my heart and soul out because everything has been welled up in me. So as i was rambling and whining away, he decides to give me one of those talks. The one thats meant to make me feel better you know? But instead makes me cry a river. Which was completely fine by me i say! Like i mentioned, I had to cry my heart out! I was dying to watch some sad sappy love movie so I'd cry, but that never happened, then I watched One Tree Hill and i was nostalgic but NO i didn't cry. Then there was Ben&Jerry's but then I'd only be crying tears of joy cause I was savouring every spoonful. Ok, I am so digracing here ain't I??

So where was i? Errrrrr, yes..the part where he told me this..so this is what he said, of course amongst other things, i can't get them all down...

"You need to step out of the darkness, follow the light, you have a bright future ahead of you! Don't let the darkness soak you up with misery. Life's too short for all that. Learn how to live your life..don't let the past haunt you like a nightmare. Seek your dreams cause that's what life is all about. You either choose the darkness or the light. You're a beautiful girl! So stop crying and being upset. You're turning ugly, so cheer up (at which, this point i was crying and laughing and the same time) and be that beautiful girl that i know!"

It is true. I mean, I only have myself to blame because I simply do not believe in myself. I really don't think I'd get through this. The last time I was in this shit hole it was a complete disaster. But no, I HAVE to believe that i will be ok. Otherwise NOBODY else would. Someone else told me a couple of days back, whatever it is DON'T GO BACK A PHASE. Move on, but don't go back a phase. It's true. Life's too short, life is beautiful. But it's what we make of it. I know, I'd say all this now and 2 minutes later I'd be on my bed, either stoning away or crying again. There will be more days like this, but I will get through it. I know, slowly but surely.

It's time to nurse my conflicted heart and attain a peace of mind.

A BIG SHOUT OUT:

~To my 2 ladies who have been there for me *Lorraine&Steph, I love you both dearly and you both have made everyday count!

~My sis, who's been a pillar of strength despite the bullshit I give her :) I love you.

~My parents, whom I know will not be reading this but heck, they have no idea how much I cherish them both much too much. Often time I take them for granted, they've been nothing but supportive of every decision i've made in my life because they believed in me.

~Patrick, we've come a long long way now..from my first love to my best friend, we've been through our highs and lows. You've been there for me, even when I couldn't be there. You, I'll always love. Sorry for letting you down time and time.

~Vish, yes you. You have been there for me a great deal lately. And its your wise words that have got me this far ahead. Thanks for constantly being there, rain or shine. I owe you one! Hugs!

And the list goes on...the others who have been shedding some light, being there for me one way or another. It's all greatly appreciated. Likewise please please know that I'll be there for each of you, rain or shine, without a doubt.

Okaayy, i know all this is getting just a tad bit mushy but I was just sharing the love here! Don't blame me, I'm surrounded by such wonderful people. :D

Gonna leave you with this....

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there. Because you can't remember a time when it wasn't. But then one day, you feel something else. Something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize, you're happy."

♥the trick is to keep breathing 12:31 PM

Thursday, March 13, 2008

STEP UP 2 (which was an awesome movie!!) WITH THE 510 CREW & O BAR FOR FREE FLOW (LadiesssNIGHT) Had a fab mid-week with my darlings! Looking forward to the weekend, amidst work! =/ Here are the picsssss..

xoxo

♥the trick is to keep breathing 3:05 PM

Saturday, March 8, 2008

There's a point in your life when you get tired of fixing everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's NOT giving up. its realizing you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring in to your life. How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask, ..., and when is it all just too much to bear?

I let you back into my world, I gave this another chance. I gave you another chance to prove yourself. I wanted to prove myself as well. Give you my all, my best. What do you do? You betray every bit of this. This relationship never once meant anything to you. You wouldn't have done these things otherwise. I wonder what more there is? I don't know you anymore, i never did to begin with. Enough is enough.

This is closure for sure. It's time you go. Goodbye.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 11:24 PM

LORRAINE'S 21ST BIRTHDAY PARTY WAS THE BOMB ! :) - THE BLACK&GOLD AFFAIR !

The venue: The Pines Country Club. It was a surprise, so she was completely clueless about it. Her reaction to the surprise, priceless. St James after, and smashed we were. Power House and Movida ! Fun fun fun ! I have very few pictures, but here's the few..

♥the trick is to keep breathing 3:18 AM

Saturday, March 1, 2008

And so it begins; the raving, ranting and whining about my oh so miserable love life. First of all, it wouldn't be that bad if i was not in a relationship, cause then there's only want thing i can whine about and that's being lonely. Secondly there's nothing i can say for myself if I AM in a relationship but it feels as if i am not in one. I cease to exist to the one i love. Now that's just sad, no? When i got back to this, I only thought of happy things, a happy ending to a new beginning. A clean slate, for the two of us. It's OK, if you don't want to be bothered, but there is some kinda limit la. Really.

See, here's me trying to make the same effort i made where i last left off. No less than before. Wanting to spend time with you, make up for lost time. (5 weeks to be exact) Hmmm, i think there should be more effort from you, but it's really ok..cause no two people put in 50-50 when it comes to effort cause then the relationship would be perfect. So I put in more, and all you have to do is play your effing part, boy(f*ckin)friend. Ok, so i am ranting and venting. I am super upset more so pissed. I was sad at first, but now i just feel sorry for myself all over again.

NONO, i didn't say i am gonna leave you..don't get me wrong. THINK with your effing head maybe even your heart (where you claimed ill always be) and not with your damn dick.

I'm done here. Off to have MACS, here with you. Just cause our plans out didn't work out. Thank god for Ben&Jerry's at the very least. I think that made my night, a lil.

I had a 'FAB' weekend. Hope you guys did too.

`Time to bite my teeth and grind the pain, only because i said, I Love You.

♥the trick is to keep breathing 9:29 AM